Monday, March 26, 2012


"You're all sure about this?" President Santorum asked his legal advisers.

Most of his legal staff had previous experience in the previous Bush administration. A few went back to Reagan. What they were saying was both exciting and terrifying. They were opening the door to a rapid rollback of four years of errors, but the chaos that would ensue could very well consume the next year.

"Yes we are Mr President."

Rick sat back and thought for a few minutes, digesting what he'd been told.

"But we need to get the commission's report first? We need the smoking gun before we can do this?" he asked at last.

"Not really, but we'll have fewer political battles if we get the evidence we need first."

"God help us," Rick said, "If we can prove his presidency invalid then every bill he signed is up for grabs. I'll have a retroactive veto over his entire administration."

"That's correct sir."

Rick had taken his oath of office less than a week before, but he already saw a long slog ahead to unravel the misdeeds of the past. Business curtailed by absurd "environmental" regulations and treaties, a health care system in chaos, a sagging economy that had been left to fester and die for four years, and those were the good parts.

"The treaties will be the worst to fix," President Santorum said. "Especially that missile defense disaster." Rick thought with horror at how badly Obama had mangled the US in that regard. President Putin had run roughshod over the eunuch.

"In order to proceed, Mr President, we need proof of where he was really born. The current lack of evidence of a Hawaii birth isn't enough."

"But his father," Rick began.

"Too murky an issue. It's clear the Founding Fathers would have found him ineligible, but there's enough political will and money in the Democratic party's coffers to make the legal battle eat up your first term. It makes more sense to bide our time."

"The law is clear," Rick said.

"But the political battle over if the 14th Amendment applies the way Democrats SAY it applies would be a long one. They have a lot of case law with activist judges helping illegal immigrants on their side. We're talking about the founding lie behind anchor babies and there are still a lot of judges who believe it. They can keep this burning through the appeals process until your children are retired if they want to."

Rick's VP interrupted, "Oh well, now we have the Senate and the House. We can start rolling the half-breed's laws back like there's no tomorrow. We'd all like to make it like he never happened, but if we need to wait, do the smart thing and hold that in reserve, then we can rip out RomBama care right now."

Rick smiled. "Thank you Sarah, you're right. The people have given us the power to do what we need to do. We have at least two years with no real Democratic opposition. They can make a mess in the courts, for now, but they can't stop us form reverting every bad law Obama signed."

The VP's eyes twinkled. She smiled and flipped her hair, "And once we know where he was REALLY born, we can rip them the new one they deserve."

Rick smiled. Even if Orly and Joe couldn't find Obama's birthplace, Sarah was right. They had the numbers and the political capital to start now.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

President Santorum, Day 1

Monday, January 21, 2013.

President Elect Rick Santorum looked out at the multitude before him. It had been a long hard battle to get here, but the moment had arrived. He smiled and turned, placing his hand on the Bible held by the chief justice of the Supreme Court.

"Repeat After Me," the justice said.

"I do solemnly swear,"

Rick repeated the words. He remembered that the Constitution allowed him to say "affirm" instead of "swear," a weak, liberal outlet to let people pretend to take the oath without really taking it. He remembered what he'd learned in the last few weeks about the battle to add the alternate wording, the loophole for men who lacked the character to take a real oath. Obama had "affirmed" his role as President. Santorum would "Swear" to it.

The justice continued, "That I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States".

Rick repeated the words, a catch in his throat. His voice wavered a bit at the word "President." It was happening, it was really happening.

"And will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

Rick repeated the closing words of the oath and added "So help me God." A collective but quiet "Amen" arose from a fragment of the masses witnessing the event.

It was done.

The justice stepped back and Rick turned to face the multitude. He looked out at them. He was now their President, no longer merely the President Elect. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"My fellow Americans," he said, feeling an echo of Presidents past in the words. Just about every Resident since Nixon had used it regularly, with sporadic men before using it to open important speeches. "On this day, a new era begins in America. For many years we've fallen away from the core values and beliefs that founded our nation, and we've suffered for it. Most of the men who wrote our Constitution attended Seminary in their youth. Despite liberal propaganda to the contrary, all of them held a deep and abiding faith in God. As long as the United States of America held true to these Christian values, we prospered. When we fell away from them we faltered and failed. Any quick glance at a history textbook makes this plain. Periods of prosperity correlated with righteousness. Periods of suffering and downfall correlated with sin.  The most perverse period in US history, the 'Roaring 20's' gave way to the Great Depression, punishment for a nation dolled out for decades of debauchery and vice."

Rick smiled, his stern expression softening, "But that is the past. Now we look to a bright future. The Presidency and both houses of congress are dominated by Christians and Conservatives, the kind of men whom God chooses to usher in periods of peace and prosperity. One of my predecessors is best known for three things. An incident with a blue dress and the definition of the word 'is'."

A current of chuckles ran through the audience. President Santorum looked towards a visibly blushing Bill Clinton, lined up with the other former presidents and their families.

"Letting Osama bin Laden escape."

The chuckles were cut short by the somber nature of this fact.

"And for getting more done in the first 100 days of his administration than most presidents do in their entire term. Indeed, he didn't do much else for the rest of his eight years except recover from this effort."

The laughter returned. President Santorum waited for it to die down before continuing. "I'm going to put that to shame before the end of the day."

President Santorum had never heard a multitude erupt in cheers. The noise was deafening and exhilarating, terrifying and reassuring all at once. It took almost a minute for the cheering to die down.

"DOMA is still the law" he said, "And the states defying it are attempting what is known as 'nullification.' They are legalizing something that is illegal at the federal level, and this is not allowed. If we let the nation go down this slippery slope, then it will only be a matter of time before some state legalizes underage marriages, bestiality or polygamy. The Federal law is clear. There is," President Santorum pounded the podium with his fist with each of the following words, "No." POUND.

"Such," POUND.

"Thing,"  POUND.

"As," POUND.

"Gay," POUND.

"Marriage," POUND.

The crowd erupted again. It took longer for the applause and cheering to die down.

President Santorum smiled. "Now, now," he said, wagging his finger jokingly, "If you keep cheering like that we'll be here all day." The audience chuckled at his joke.

"Gay marriage is illegal. Anyone claiming otherwise is breaking federal law. Every homosexual who has participated in this sham and gotten a fraudulent marriage certificate will be prosecuted for fraud by the federal government. It was illegal when they did it and it's illegal now. Obama's failure to enforce the law does not give these criminals the right to continue."

The multitude applauded, but kept themselves n check.

"All states that have passed medical marijuana bills are also in violation of federal law. Every medical marijuana dispensary and licensed producer will be raided by the end of the day."


"Not a single penny of federal money will be spent on abortions from this day forward, no exceptions."


"every abortion provider in this country will be arrested for murder before the week is out. The privacy of the mother does not justify infanticide. It was murder when they did it, it's murder now."


"Every producer and distributor of pornography will cease operation today, or be raided and prosecuted for violating US obscenity laws. These perverts are being given this grace period only because we're going to have our hands full for a while with the child killers, drug dealers and homosexual fraud operations that are, bluntly put, more important. Pornographers have today to repent. It's only Christian to give them a chance to mend their ways."


"Deportation of illegal immigrants will be fast tracked, starting today. In the interest of preserving the sanctity and integrity of the family unit, the 'anchor babies' of these families will no longer be kept in the USA after their parents are deported. Anchor babies will go home with their parents, their fraudulently appropriated sham of citizenship stripped to allow them to return to their native land with their parents."


"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was a liberal compromise pushed through by Bill Clinton. He took a break from interns to let homosexuals serve in the military using this disgusting loophole. I've been asked to return to this sham ban, this facade designed to let homosexuals infect our military in secret. It's not coming back. Starting today homosexuals are banned from all branches of the US Military. Known homosexuals will be discharged immediately. In the future, homosexuals found to be illegally serving in the US military will not be treated so gently. They will be guilty of fraud. They will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."


"That is only a sample, a foretaste of the things to come. Reform will be swift and all-encompassing. The 'Occupy Wall Street' movement ends this week. The dark dealings behind the financing and running of this astroturf movement will be investigated and the criminals behind it prosecuted for their crimes."


"There is far more that will be accomplished today. I will not waste my time or taxpayer money on balls or over the top celebrations to cater to Hollywood backers and Acorn criminals. I will not spend my first day wasting close to a billion federal dollars on a party." President Santorum looked at his predecessor, Barry Soetoro the man who went by the name "Barack Obama." "Like real Americans I'm going to start my first day at work, actually working."

Applause rolled up from the crowd, threatening to turn into another standing ovation. President Santorum calmed the masses with a few gestures of his hands.

"To my left and to my right are guests of honor. Previous presidents, noteworthy theologians and pastors, the Bishop of Washington DC and many of the appointees to my new administration. If you look a the row above the former presidents to my left, you will see, seated directly above my immediate predecessor, the leaders of a new task force whose job will be to investigate citizenship fraud by previous administrations.

Barry Soetoro looked behind himself in alarm. He saw a grizzled old man with gray hair and a gold star on his chest. The gold star was engraved with the name "Joe." Next to him was a blond woman who looked to be somewhere in her 50's. Both of them looked down at him sternly.

President Santorum concluded, "They have a lot of experience in this field. Finally someone will take them seriously. Their victory will be an emblem for all Americans. The long dark nightmare of liberal oppression is over. The yoke of humanism will be thrown off today. After decades of suffering, we are once again a free nation."

A cheer began rolling though the audience, tempered by a desire to hear more.

President Santorum threw up his hands and clasped them together in prayer. He shouted "GOD BLESS AMERICA!" His words broke the damn. The standing ovation lasted for ten minutes after President Santorum left the stage.